Desaturated

I used to be so bright and full of colors.
I had so much love at my disposal.
I knew how to use my words and to show my feelings.
I was once so passionate.
But all things come to an end.
I’m just fragile after all.

And all my colors are worn out.


Don’t get me wrong. Heartbreaks hurt.

 

They hurt so fucking much.
But what hurts even more is not the heartbreak but the thought of it.

This is what this blog turned into, right?

You see, I’m not anything special. Unlike you guys, I’m normal.
Nothing stands out about me. I’m an ordinary guy:
A third-rate overthinking musician who writes thought blogs.
I play the violin. I go to college. I don’t drink nor do I smoke.
I don’t go to clubs or to parties. I don’t do crazy shit like what people my age are supposed to do. I’ve never done anything life threatening.
Thus, these characteristics make me seemingly normal.

But what sucks about me is I’m soft. I’m emotionally weak.
True, I can tolerate insulting jokes about myself and laugh along with it but
as far as emotional strength, I am inferior.

This weakness let people use me. To push me around and step on me like a doormat.
To play with my feelings. To be taken advantage of.
I’m good at this. Five times in two years it has been like this.
It’s a circle of never ending things. My circle.

And I’ve been through so much shit, if you want to put it that way.
I’ve had many successes as well as mistakes.
I’ve had experiences that changed me as an individual.
Ultimately, these things shaped me to be who I am today.
And each time I get broken, I learn to see the truth more.

Hopeless romantic as I may be, I did have some happiness in my life.
I may be negative but I do have a slight sense of optimism sometimes.
I never lose my sense of humor. It’s always with me through the tough times.
Music makes me happy. Family and friends are here to cheer me on, and are here to
be with me in my dark days.
These are normal happiness that us, humans, are entitled to.
But there is always a certain happiness we could never achieve no matter what.

That is: To love and to be loved in return.

It may sound cliché. But it’s real.

As far as my life went, I grew to accept that this happiness is never and will never be meant for me.
Hah, I had to learn this the hard way. And I hope you, reader, will never experience the path I just went through, and never will the excruciating pain I felt.

 

This is what I turned into. A love-loathing individual.
Read my previous posts. They are filled with color.
They are filled with both sadness and happiness.
And I believe that life is like piano keys, black for sad, and white for happy.
To be able to make music, you need both.
But all black? This is too much.
This was my blog. A dinosaur’s writing space.
Now it’s all just emptiness. Riddled with pointless posts about my past,
constantly haunted by decisions.

I’m already too scared to love again.

But now as I end all of it,
I would like to thank everyone who ever read a post in my blog!
I hope that you guys will all be happy. I wish for you to be loved!
For you are all beautiful people who deserve the best things in the world! 

I’m tired. Extremely exhausted.
People played with me so much that I’m all used up.

So, as much as I hate to say it:
Heartbreaks hurt. But what hurts even more is the slow realization,
that even if you want to be perfect for someone, you just can’t.
This is where it dawned on me:
The painful truththey stop loving me NOT because they hate me.
They stop loving me because of me.
Because amidst all the love I gave away, amidst all the soul I poured out,
I learned to discover that I am unlovable after all.  

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Don’t You Worry About Me

Don’t you worry about me.

I still care for your happiness more than mine.

I am happy for you, even when you are no longer proud of me.

I am happy for you, even when you no longer think about me.

I am happy for you, even when I can no longer make you smile.

I am happy for you, even when you don’t call me anymore.

I am happy for you, even though you no longer talk to me.

I am happy for you, even when my name no longer brings joy across your face.

I am still happy for you, even when I don’t mean anything to you now.

So don’t you worry about me,
I am happy for you, even if your happiness does not involve me anymore.

A letter to the person who loved me and left

To the person whom I’ve loved so dearly,

I am sorry. Not just for being who I am —

But for a million other things
I’m sorry that me being so needy to you all the time scares you!
That I’m so desperate for love! That I over thought about you and it hurt you!
I’m sorry that I did not trust you before , it was hard for me to accept things.
That I was taking things too fast for you, for us.
I’m sorry for bothering you, even on your busiest days, when I would talk to you even when you are doing something important.
I’m sorry for being an obstacle for your happiness!
I am sorry that I take you away from your family time, from your study time, away from your friends. It’s because I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to see how you were, I wanted to make you laugh, I wanted to see you smile.
I am sorry for wanting to be with you all the time, for all the romantic things I’ve said.
I will not take them back, I mean all of them. But you told me before you don’t want a romantic guy, for this I am sorry. I wanted to feel love, to be happy, because in my life
no one is ever afraid to lose me. No one.

They have nothing to lose in the first place.

But most of all:
I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m so sorry that I’m so difficult to love!
Everyone has their faults ! This is mine.
I chose to love you with all my heart but instead I’m scaring you. Because I’m so needy, because I’m so desperate. I thirst for love.
I needed reassurance everyday and it’s not something you say.
I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know what to do.
I never wanted to scare you. I never wanted to hurt you in this way. Or to make you feel guilty. I never thought I would reach this point where I could keep all my emotion in anymore.

You. You’re as beautiful as how you play the piano. So soft, so wonderful.
I don’t know what I did but I ask myself everyday if I deserve someone like you.
Because in my life I never thought I would meet you, someone who will call me “mine”
Someone who would listen to me play the violin with open ears and appreciation, which my best of friends could never do.
I never thought in my life that for those past 2 weeks, I would be the happiest person.
That I could wake up everyday to your snaps and messages. It was like a dream to me.
That you would tell me how much you missed me in the smallest cutest ways I could have imagined.  You had faults, and all of them I chose to ignore because I see the bigger picture. You’re full of beauty and wonder that I was left in awe. My life was worth living for.
I’ve known you so much in a little time, and for that, I am truly grateful.
I loved you the most of all the people outside my family.
I was proud of you. I would talk about you to everyone. I was never ashamed to have you.
I would have bragged you to the world!
I am so happy with you, more happy than one boy could ever dream of.

For this I wanted to be better, I wanted to stop overthinking and just to trust you.
But it was too late, I broke your trust. I felt worse and worse each day.
I asked help from everyone I knew. Even from the girl who broke my heart before.
I asked what I could do to make you feel better, to fix all of these.
I asked help so I could be a much better person and trust you more, and
trust our relationship more. I wanted to be the perfect boy for you.
I wanted to be worthy of the “boy you love” title.

This is it, like the part I’ve always been afraid of.
I told you before , they would turn run away from me at the time when I need them the most. On the darkest of my days, where I would be like this, I would be abandoned.

But even if you hate me now, I want you to know I will always be here.
I know you grow weary of people but tell me if it’s me. Because I don’t
want to live everyday wondering where I went wrong, I don’t want to live in hell.
But I don’t want you to grow weary of me, I wish.
I wish everyday I have a surprise for you just to make that pretty face of yours smile.
I know I’m not worth that five more months of waiting, but I will always do my best.
I will always be here as I promised. A message away!
I will always love you more because I promised and proved to you.

This is the part where they run away.
It’s okay if you do, really. I understand. 
It’s all my fault anyway and I have to face the consequences.
But please know that I will be here to wait for you.
Maybe you’ll come back one day and ask me for a Skype date?

And finally, now, all I ask is your forgiveness.
Would you ever forgive me for everything? 

Will always wait for you,
Your Dinosaur, Josh

If One Day

I may be strong. But I am tired. 
Yet I am still here. I am still waiting.

Honestly, even if you would ask me right now, I’m still here for you.

If one day you would  ask me to talk to you again, I would still give up my sleep for you.

If one day you would  hurt me countless of times, I would never walk away from you.
It would break my heart to leave you.

If one day you would  neglect me, I will still stay for you. 

If one day you would replace me , I will always be here, cheering for you, being happy for you, and being proud for you. 

If one day you would decide that I am no longer good enough, then I will always try harder, I will always do better.

If one day you would be too busy for me, I am still going to be here to support and motivate you.

If one day you would not care for me anymore, I would still show up, I would still sacrifice time just to cheer you up.

If one day you would forget about me, I will never change. I will still strive to make you happy.

But these things already happened. They are not just if’s and then’s anymore. 
I’ve already felt all these. 
The day already came when you neglected, ignored, and decided that I am not good enough.

So tell me, am I stupid? Am I stubborn? Am I weak?
I’m afraid I am all these, even worse.
But amidst all these, I will be stronger.
Being stupid, ignoring all the imperfections.
All these small things lead to something so wonderful anyways, and that’s you.

I’m exhausted and weary, but one thing is for sure: 
I will never give up on us.

There’s one promise I kept to myself, and myself alone:

Honestly, if one day you would break and tear me apart, I would still love you all the same.

After all, this is what true love is right?

Nothing More

No one is afraid of losing me. No one.

It is a given fact and it has been proven a million times each by different person.
And each time, it hurts more and more.

I don’t understand. After all of this, why have I not grown a colder heart?
Why do I still feel all this pain?
I’m still weak. I’m still emotionally fragile.
I’m so fucking soft. I get hurt all the time.
Why am I like this? Why is my heart so sensitive?

These people! These people I loved!
They come and go as they please once they are done with me.
I can’t do anything to stop them.
After all, they have nothing to lose.

My soul bleeds. Every time.

I want to be happy everyday. It’s a dream I’ve always wished for.
But I did, for only a couple of days.
She called me “mine”.
But she was like a shooting star.
She was gone as fast as I knew her.
She took a piece in my heart then left.
Like she was never there.

These monsters. Why are they doing this?
What have I done to deserve this?
I am already dead inside. I’ve always begged them not to kill me more.

Why me? Why build me up?
Why make me confident about myself?
Why would you tell me things so beautiful, so passionate?
Why would you tell me you “love” me and then just leave?
All this. All these these things —
just to make me reach the peak of my happiness.
And at the very top, you turn your back against me.
You abandon me!
Like what all of them did!
You’re no better than the rest of them!

I did everything right, but I still failed.
How much of a fuck-up could I be?

All the life I gave up just to feel alive.
All the love I gave away —
yet those never found their way back to me.

Why can’t they do the same for me?

I loved with all my heart.
I loved blindly.
I loved with passion.
I loved with everything I had.
I sacrificed so much.

But I guess I have learned it the hard way:
Love is not meant for me.

I just wanted to be happy.
What did I ever do to deserve all this?

Until

I don’t know how to love.

What is the meaning of love anyway?

True, it is easier said than done.

I try to prove this everyday.
And everyday I become better at it to some extent.

I stay up late.

I sacrifice so much sleep.

I try to cheer her up. 

I try to motivate her, to support her.

I am trying everyday to make her happy, with the simplest messages I can ever offer anyone.

I give away time, one of the important things in life.

I try to be an understanding and caring boyfriend, but most of all, a loving one.
But how? How to be a loving one?

Though distance separates us,
it’s not strong enough to keep me away from her.

But at the end of the day,
I always ask myself,
“Am I doing this right?”
Is it enough to make her happy?

I’m only normal. Nothing special, a little boring.
I have had a lot of mistakes long time ago, most of which I regret,
but some I am thankful for.
And most of the times, I seek happiness. All the more reason to live.

I overthink.
There is nothing in this world that’s powerful enough to destroy me
than my own thoughts.

I overthink that I would lose her one day when I wake up.
People fall out of love very fast these days, and I’m nothing so special.

I overthink that she might fall for another person one day.
After all, I am very replaceable.

I overthink that she no longer cares about me.
I feel this all the time.

But no.

This is may be the case but I still hear her voice inside my head all the time.
It’s like she talks to me:
“Disappointed in you , Josh” 
“Crois-moi , Josh, crois-moi”
“Stop taking too much coffee, boy!” 
“I will kill you boooooy, you’re so dead to me”
“My violinist!”
“Asian.”
“Mahal kita, Joooosh.”


This girl.
She reassures me that she loves me.
All the time.

And these are the words that make me happy.
These are the words I could never live without. 
These are words I will never trade in life for anything. 
Even though I need constant reassurance, these are words worth living for.

I can be very unlovable at some times.
I don’t want to hurt anyone because of this.
I don’t want to make anyone sad.

I just want to be happy, really.
I would go from very happy to very boring really fast when I think about
Everything I’ve been through and everything I will ever be.

I’m a complete emotional wreck most of the times. 

But she still stays. Why? 

It’s like something I never understand.

I am boring.

What are the things I do that make you happy?
How do I make you laugh more? 
What’s so special about me worth staying for?
I ask myself these questions everyday.

But it’s all true:


Until I knew her, I had someone worth waiting for.

Until she came in my life, I’ve always looked forward for tomorrow.

Until she told me she loved me, I’ve never been so happy. 

I’ve never felt love, until I met her.        

        

So despite all this,
I’m trying to be perfect for her. Just for her.
I know I’m not perfect and she’s not mine to love
but I will still love her until my very last breath.

#romanticGuyIsHere

 

Messages

Messages

People see you
Yet they don’t reply
So you sit there waiting
And time passes by

If you’re worth their time,
You start to wonder
All this overthinking,
Would make you ponder

So you ask yourself
“Should I say something again?”
But you know you won’t,
Because you’re a burden

So you wait and wait
Until it gets really late

That last message was just seen
and you’re left wondering,
what could’ve been

Did I do something bad?
What did I do to make her mad?
Did I say something, making her sad?

But you know this already happened
Done to me in many ways
By different girls I loved before,
A past I’m too afraid to face

So this pain is nothing new
Because I know I’d overthink about this too

You tell yourself,
Maybe she’s busy and it’s true
but then again,
“Maybe I’m too annoying for you”

Many times I’m haunted by this:

What broke me before,
Would break me again
Waiting for a reply
I don’t even know when

But I do know only one thing:
If all this time I can wait for you
Then my love for you still burns so true

And if all this time you fade from my view,
I know you’d still come back
Because you love me too

Trials

Life. It is unfair.
One cannot expect perfection.
One like me:

For what was once so dark and empty,
Has finally seen light.
Has finally felt love.

The heart I thought was cold and barren
The heart I heavily guarded all my life
I made certain no one would love me
I was convinced no one could enter:

Yet she simply walked in and grabbed my heart
Now I have to confront the trials of love.

Take a leap of faith”  they say

It’s difficult and crazy.
But they also say that:

People do crazy things when they’re in love

My fear is not giving in and falling in love.
My fear is not being caught when I fall.
It’s all madness. But I will take my leap anyways.

Call this crazy. But crazy as it may seem.
It is magical.

It was like I have known her my whole life.
She randomly appeared in my life out of nowhere,
as I did to hers.
She quickly found a place in my heart — quicker than anyone who had.
I knew it, from that very moment we heard each other’s voice,
that it was the start of something so wonderful.

Small talks turned to deep ones.
Small feelings turned to strong emotions.
Small connections turned to attachments. 

Amidst all these happy moments, there are downsides.

We hated goodbyes. Time difference plays a huge factor.
For someone who lives in the opposite side of the world,
sacrifices are always made for each other.
We do that, right?
We sacrifice time, a huge part of it.
We yearn to be by their sides everyday.
We want to hear their voice in real life.
We do our best to be there for them, at all costs.
This is normal. We are human beings after all.

Me? I want to do everything. Every single thing.
It is not simple. It’s very difficult.
Like French people say:

C’est la vie

Life is unfair.
Like I said, I am in love with a girl unicorn, who is worlds apart.
Twelve thousand miles to be exact.
I promised myself if I cannot be there for her physically ,
then I will do my best to be there emotionally.

I give up time.
I trade sleep. 
I overthink. 
And this one, is not normal. It’s a stupid thing called “devotion“.

But I’m not sad because of this.
The smallest things I do that makes her smile means a lot.
The smile or laugh she makes when I say a stupid joke or mock her makes me happy.
It’s like I sleep well knowing that, although she’s on the other side of the world,
she’s happy.
And that’s good enough.

I cannot feel her. 
I cannot touch her.
I cannot give her the smallest kisses.
I cannot embrace her and feel her heart beating.

There’s a downside to everything.
Life is just as unfair as it is to it being unkind.

Everyday, I wake up telling myself , “So this is what being in love feels like
But in the back of my head, I know I’m in denial.
Though it may be love, it’s a total nightmare to be so far way.
I ought to wake up from it.
This is all a dream.”, I keep telling myself.
A product of all the late night calls we had.
Maybe I will wake up one day. Beside her.
Beside her, where everything is quiet and only
the sound of our heartbeat and breathing could be heard.
Such a dreamer, I am!

If I have to wait months or years for this, then I will wait. 
I know all this waiting will be worth it when we meet.


 

God, she is beautiful.
She sees me. All my life I thought I was invisible to anyone.
She sees me and chose not to turn her back and run. 
She accepted me.

I have not met anyone like her.
Apart from being extremely musically talented,
she also has a loving heart and the cutest voice.
I could listen to her all day long.
Her laugh, oh, how it brings me joy.
She’s very funny too.
She’s not very fond of fruits though. Ahaha

I have found my double.
She made me see my worth.
She made me feel like I was important and special,
not even my closest friends could do the same.

She told me she isn’t perfect.

Well.

The truth is, no one is perfect, dear Ludivine. 🙂
Everyone has faults. Even I. 
But you don’t have to change yourself because
you are too beautiful in your own special way.
You’re so kind and loving. You’re pretty.
You’re trop mignone.
Not with these words in my head could write how 
beautiful and amazing you are. 
You are everything else I any man could ever ask for.
You may have the faults you say you have but,
these are just very small things to something so wonderful.

So, Ludi, tell me all the terrible things you are — and let me love you anyway.

 

 

 

Too little time

Time flies

As individuals who crave love more than anything else, we are riddled with anxiety and worry. Memories from the past come back to haunt us. From such a thing, we are not entirely powerless because the problems we have created from a thought is just as easily destroyed by the same thought.

We always overthink — and from that we create more problems than we can ever bear, and as a consequence, we live unhappy lives. We even make problems that are not suppose to exist in the first place.

So, why worry? 

Why worry about the consequences of your actions ?

Why worry about failing grades ?

Why worry about having a bad day ?

Why worry about financial status ?

Why worry about getting rejected by someone you love ?

Why worry about other people’s thought about you?

Why worry about being alone?

Why? 

Why do you worry when you know this could spell destruction for all of us?

Why do you worry when you know brighter things lie ahead?

Why do you worry when you know far greater things beyond our imagination exist in this world?

Why do you worry about being rejected, when you know you’ll eventually find someone better?

Why do you worry about everything when you know it will all soon end?

Our times are near and time itself  is too precious and valuable that we can’t live everyday like this.

Life is damn short that we don’t have to live everyday with worries.

Life is too short for everything to be taken slowly.

So I urge you
forget your worries,
tell someone you like them,
do something you’ll never forget,
to hell with it — go fuck up.

Trying out for the Daily Prompt: Echo

 

Absolution

Does forgiveness really matter?

 

All of us are capable of loving — but forgiving?

Forgiveness starts with a choice.


 

A great friendship can take time to build but only a second to tear.
A sentence can break what was once such a great, wonderful thing.
A word can crush years of relationship without a single thought.
A simple feeling can obliterate hope in an instant.

But how?
How could relationships be destroyed this easily?
How could something so precious be so fragile?
How could we say sorry a thousand times and restore nothing?

True,

We should never apologize for what we feel,
but why are we sorry in the end?


 

Forgiveness is the final form of love.