Desaturated

I used to be so bright and full of colors.
I had so much love at my disposal.
I knew how to use my words and to show my feelings.
I was once so passionate.
But all things come to an end.
I’m just fragile after all.

And all my colors are worn out.


Don’t get me wrong. Heartbreaks hurt.

 

They hurt so fucking much.
But what hurts even more is not the heartbreak but the thought of it.

This is what this blog turned into, right?

You see, I’m not anything special. Unlike you guys, I’m normal.
Nothing stands out about me. I’m an ordinary guy:
A third-rate overthinking musician who writes thought blogs.
I play the violin. I go to college. I don’t drink nor do I smoke.
I don’t go to clubs or to parties. I don’t do crazy shit like what people my age are supposed to do. I’ve never done anything life threatening.
Thus, these characteristics make me seemingly normal.

But what sucks about me is I’m soft. I’m emotionally weak.
True, I can tolerate insulting jokes about myself and laugh along with it but
as far as emotional strength, I am inferior.

This weakness let people use me. To push me around and step on me like a doormat.
To play with my feelings. To be taken advantage of.
I’m good at this. Five times in two years it has been like this.
It’s a circle of never ending things. My circle.

And I’ve been through so much shit, if you want to put it that way.
I’ve had many successes as well as mistakes.
I’ve had experiences that changed me as an individual.
Ultimately, these things shaped me to be who I am today.
And each time I get broken, I learn to see the truth more.

Hopeless romantic as I may be, I did have some happiness in my life.
I may be negative but I do have a slight sense of optimism sometimes.
I never lose my sense of humor. It’s always with me through the tough times.
Music makes me happy. Family and friends are here to cheer me on, and are here to
be with me in my dark days.
These are normal happiness that us, humans, are entitled to.
But there is always a certain happiness we could never achieve no matter what.

That is: To love and to be loved in return.

It may sound cliché. But it’s real.

As far as my life went, I grew to accept that this happiness is never and will never be meant for me.
Hah, I had to learn this the hard way. And I hope you, reader, will never experience the path I just went through, and never will the excruciating pain I felt.

 

This is what I turned into. A love-loathing individual.
Read my previous posts. They are filled with color.
They are filled with both sadness and happiness.
And I believe that life is like piano keys, black for sad, and white for happy.
To be able to make music, you need both.
But all black? This is too much.
This was my blog. A dinosaur’s writing space.
Now it’s all just emptiness. Riddled with pointless posts about my past,
constantly haunted by decisions.

I’m already too scared to love again.

But now as I end all of it,
I would like to thank everyone who ever read a post in my blog!
I hope that you guys will all be happy. I wish for you to be loved!
For you are all beautiful people who deserve the best things in the world! 

I’m tired. Extremely exhausted.
People played with me so much that I’m all used up.

So, as much as I hate to say it:
Heartbreaks hurt. But what hurts even more is the slow realization,
that even if you want to be perfect for someone, you just can’t.
This is where it dawned on me:
The painful truththey stop loving me NOT because they hate me.
They stop loving me because of me.
Because amidst all the love I gave away, amidst all the soul I poured out,
I learned to discover that I am unlovable after all.