I don’t know how to love.

What is the meaning of love anyway?

True, it is easier said than done.

I try to prove this everyday.
And everyday I become better at it to some extent.

I stay up late.

I sacrifice so much sleep.

I try to cheer her up. 

I try to motivate her, to support her.

I am trying everyday to make her happy, with the simplest messages I can ever offer anyone.

I give away time, one of the important things in life.

I try to be an understanding and caring boyfriend, but most of all, a loving one.
But how? How to be a loving one?

Though distance separates us,
it’s not strong enough to keep me away from her.

But at the end of the day,
I always ask myself,
“Am I doing this right?”
Is it enough to make her happy?

I’m only normal. Nothing special, a little boring.
I have had a lot of mistakes long time ago, most of which I regret,
but some I am thankful for.
And most of the times, I seek happiness. All the more reason to live.

I overthink.
There is nothing in this world that’s powerful enough to destroy me
than my own thoughts.

I overthink that I would lose her one day when I wake up.
People fall out of love very fast these days, and I’m nothing so special.

I overthink that she might fall for another person one day.
After all, I am very replaceable.

I overthink that she no longer cares about me.
I feel this all the time.

But no.

This is may be the case but I still hear her voice inside my head all the time.
It’s like she talks to me:
“Disappointed in you , Josh” 
“Crois-moi , Josh, crois-moi”
“Stop taking too much coffee, boy!” 
“I will kill you boooooy, you’re so dead to me”
“My violinist!”
“Mahal kita, Joooosh.”

This girl.
She reassures me that she loves me.
All the time.

And these are the words that make me happy.
These are the words I could never live without. 
These are words I will never trade in life for anything. 
Even though I need constant reassurance, these are words worth living for.

I can be very unlovable at some times.
I don’t want to hurt anyone because of this.
I don’t want to make anyone sad.

I just want to be happy, really.
I would go from very happy to very boring really fast when I think about
Everything I’ve been through and everything I will ever be.

I’m a complete emotional wreck most of the times. 

But she still stays. Why? 

It’s like something I never understand.

I am boring.

What are the things I do that make you happy?
How do I make you laugh more? 
What’s so special about me worth staying for?
I ask myself these questions everyday.

But it’s all true:

Until I knew her, I had someone worth waiting for.

Until she came in my life, I’ve always looked forward for tomorrow.

Until she told me she loved me, I’ve never been so happy. 

I’ve never felt love, until I met her.        


So despite all this,
I’m trying to be perfect for her. Just for her.
I know I’m not perfect and she’s not mine to love
but I will still love her until my very last breath.




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