To the person whom I’ve loved so dearly,
I am sorry. Not just for being who I am —
But for a million other things
I’m sorry that me being so needy to you all the time scares you!
That I’m so desperate for love! That I over thought about you and it hurt you!
I’m sorry that I did not trust you before , it was hard for me to accept things.
That I was taking things too fast for you, for us.
I’m sorry for bothering you, even on your busiest days, when I would talk to you even when you are doing something important.
I’m sorry for being an obstacle for your happiness!
I am sorry that I take you away from your family time, from your study time, away from your friends. It’s because I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to see how you were, I wanted to make you laugh, I wanted to see you smile.
I am sorry for wanting to be with you all the time, for all the romantic things I’ve said.
I will not take them back, I mean all of them. But you told me before you don’t want a romantic guy, for this I am sorry. I wanted to feel love, to be happy, because in my life
no one is ever afraid to lose me. No one.
They have nothing to lose in the first place.
But most of all:
I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m so sorry that I’m so difficult to love!
Everyone has their faults ! This is mine.
I chose to love you with all my heart but instead I’m scaring you. Because I’m so needy, because I’m so desperate. I thirst for love.
I needed reassurance everyday and it’s not something you say.
I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know what to do.
I never wanted to scare you. I never wanted to hurt you in this way. Or to make you feel guilty. I never thought I would reach this point where I could keep all my emotion in anymore.
You. You’re as beautiful as how you play the piano. So soft, so wonderful.
I don’t know what I did but I ask myself everyday if I deserve someone like you.
Because in my life I never thought I would meet you, someone who will call me “mine”
Someone who would listen to me play the violin with open ears and appreciation, which my best of friends could never do.
I never thought in my life that for those past 2 weeks, I would be the happiest person.
That I could wake up everyday to your snaps and messages. It was like a dream to me.
That you would tell me how much you missed me in the smallest cutest ways I could have imagined. You had faults, and all of them I chose to ignore because I see the bigger picture. You’re full of beauty and wonder that I was left in awe. My life was worth living for.
I’ve known you so much in a little time, and for that, I am truly grateful.
I loved you the most of all the people outside my family.
I was proud of you. I would talk about you to everyone. I was never ashamed to have you.
I would have bragged you to the world!
I am so happy with you, more happy than one boy could ever dream of.
For this I wanted to be better, I wanted to stop overthinking and just to trust you.
But it was too late, I broke your trust. I felt worse and worse each day.
I asked help from everyone I knew. Even from the girl who broke my heart before.
I asked what I could do to make you feel better, to fix all of these.
I asked help so I could be a much better person and trust you more, and
trust our relationship more. I wanted to be the perfect boy for you.
I wanted to be worthy of the “boy you love” title.
This is it, like the part I’ve always been afraid of.
I told you before , they would turn run away from me at the time when I need them the most. On the darkest of my days, where I would be like this, I would be abandoned.
But even if you hate me now, I want you to know I will always be here.
I know you grow weary of people but tell me if it’s me. Because I don’t
want to live everyday wondering where I went wrong, I don’t want to live in hell.
But I don’t want you to grow weary of me, I wish.
I wish everyday I have a surprise for you just to make that pretty face of yours smile.
I know I’m not worth that five more months of waiting, but I will always do my best.
I will always be here as I promised. A message away!
I will always love you more because I promised and proved to you.
This is the part where they run away.
It’s okay if you do, really. I understand.
It’s all my fault anyway and I have to face the consequences.
But please know that I will be here to wait for you.
Maybe you’ll come back one day and ask me for a Skype date?
And finally, now, all I ask is your forgiveness.
Would you ever forgive me for everything?
Will always wait for you,
Your Dinosaur, Josh