A letter to the person who loved me and left

To the person whom I’ve loved so dearly,

I am sorry. Not just for being who I am —

But for a million other things
I’m sorry that me being so needy to you all the time scares you!
That I’m so desperate for love! That I over thought about you and it hurt you!
I’m sorry that I did not trust you before , it was hard for me to accept things.
That I was taking things too fast for you, for us.
I’m sorry for bothering you, even on your busiest days, when I would talk to you even when you are doing something important.
I’m sorry for being an obstacle for your happiness!
I am sorry that I take you away from your family time, from your study time, away from your friends. It’s because I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to see how you were, I wanted to make you laugh, I wanted to see you smile.
I am sorry for wanting to be with you all the time, for all the romantic things I’ve said.
I will not take them back, I mean all of them. But you told me before you don’t want a romantic guy, for this I am sorry. I wanted to feel love, to be happy, because in my life
no one is ever afraid to lose me. No one.

They have nothing to lose in the first place.

But most of all:
I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m so sorry that I’m so difficult to love!
Everyone has their faults ! This is mine.
I chose to love you with all my heart but instead I’m scaring you. Because I’m so needy, because I’m so desperate. I thirst for love.
I needed reassurance everyday and it’s not something you say.
I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know what to do.
I never wanted to scare you. I never wanted to hurt you in this way. Or to make you feel guilty. I never thought I would reach this point where I could keep all my emotion in anymore.

You. You’re as beautiful as how you play the piano. So soft, so wonderful.
I don’t know what I did but I ask myself everyday if I deserve someone like you.
Because in my life I never thought I would meet you, someone who will call me “mine”
Someone who would listen to me play the violin with open ears and appreciation, which my best of friends could never do.
I never thought in my life that for those past 2 weeks, I would be the happiest person.
That I could wake up everyday to your snaps and messages. It was like a dream to me.
That you would tell me how much you missed me in the smallest cutest ways I could have imagined.  You had faults, and all of them I chose to ignore because I see the bigger picture. You’re full of beauty and wonder that I was left in awe. My life was worth living for.
I’ve known you so much in a little time, and for that, I am truly grateful.
I loved you the most of all the people outside my family.
I was proud of you. I would talk about you to everyone. I was never ashamed to have you.
I would have bragged you to the world!
I am so happy with you, more happy than one boy could ever dream of.

For this I wanted to be better, I wanted to stop overthinking and just to trust you.
But it was too late, I broke your trust. I felt worse and worse each day.
I asked help from everyone I knew. Even from the girl who broke my heart before.
I asked what I could do to make you feel better, to fix all of these.
I asked help so I could be a much better person and trust you more, and
trust our relationship more. I wanted to be the perfect boy for you.
I wanted to be worthy of the “boy you love” title.

This is it, like the part I’ve always been afraid of.
I told you before , they would turn run away from me at the time when I need them the most. On the darkest of my days, where I would be like this, I would be abandoned.

But even if you hate me now, I want you to know I will always be here.
I know you grow weary of people but tell me if it’s me. Because I don’t
want to live everyday wondering where I went wrong, I don’t want to live in hell.
But I don’t want you to grow weary of me, I wish.
I wish everyday I have a surprise for you just to make that pretty face of yours smile.
I know I’m not worth that five more months of waiting, but I will always do my best.
I will always be here as I promised. A message away!
I will always love you more because I promised and proved to you.

This is the part where they run away.
It’s okay if you do, really. I understand. 
It’s all my fault anyway and I have to face the consequences.
But please know that I will be here to wait for you.
Maybe you’ll come back one day and ask me for a Skype date?

And finally, now, all I ask is your forgiveness.
Would you ever forgive me for everything? 

Will always wait for you,
Your Dinosaur, Josh


If One Day

I may be strong. But I am tired. 
Yet I am still here. I am still waiting.

Honestly, even if you would ask me right now, I’m still here for you.

If one day you would  ask me to talk to you again, I would still give up my sleep for you.

If one day you would  hurt me countless of times, I would never walk away from you.
It would break my heart to leave you.

If one day you would  neglect me, I will still stay for you. 

If one day you would replace me , I will always be here, cheering for you, being happy for you, and being proud for you. 

If one day you would decide that I am no longer good enough, then I will always try harder, I will always do better.

If one day you would be too busy for me, I am still going to be here to support and motivate you.

If one day you would not care for me anymore, I would still show up, I would still sacrifice time just to cheer you up.

If one day you would forget about me, I will never change. I will still strive to make you happy.

But these things already happened. They are not just if’s and then’s anymore. 
I’ve already felt all these. 
The day already came when you neglected, ignored, and decided that I am not good enough.

So tell me, am I stupid? Am I stubborn? Am I weak?
I’m afraid I am all these, even worse.
But amidst all these, I will be stronger.
Being stupid, ignoring all the imperfections.
All these small things lead to something so wonderful anyways, and that’s you.

I’m exhausted and weary, but one thing is for sure: 
I will never give up on us.

There’s one promise I kept to myself, and myself alone:

Honestly, if one day you would break and tear me apart, I would still love you all the same.

After all, this is what true love is right?

Nothing More

No one is afraid of losing me. No one.

It is a given fact and it has been proven a million times each by different person.
And each time, it hurts more and more.

I don’t understand. After all of this, why have I not grown a colder heart?
Why do I still feel all this pain?
I’m still weak. I’m still emotionally fragile.
I’m so fucking soft. I get hurt all the time.
Why am I like this? Why is my heart so sensitive?

These people! These people I loved!
They come and go as they please once they are done with me.
I can’t do anything to stop them.
After all, they have nothing to lose.

My soul bleeds. Every time.

I want to be happy everyday. It’s a dream I’ve always wished for.
But I did, for only a couple of days.
She called me “mine”.
But she was like a shooting star.
She was gone as fast as I knew her.
She took a piece in my heart then left.
Like she was never there.

These monsters. Why are they doing this?
What have I done to deserve this?
I am already dead inside. I’ve always begged them not to kill me more.

Why me? Why build me up?
Why make me confident about myself?
Why would you tell me things so beautiful, so passionate?
Why would you tell me you “love” me and then just leave?
All this. All these these things —
just to make me reach the peak of my happiness.
And at the very top, you turn your back against me.
You abandon me!
Like what all of them did!
You’re no better than the rest of them!

I did everything right, but I still failed.
How much of a fuck-up could I be?

All the life I gave up just to feel alive.
All the love I gave away —
yet those never found their way back to me.

Why can’t they do the same for me?

I loved with all my heart.
I loved blindly.
I loved with passion.
I loved with everything I had.
I sacrificed so much.

But I guess I have learned it the hard way:
Love is not meant for me.

I just wanted to be happy.
What did I ever do to deserve all this?


I don’t know how to love.

What is the meaning of love anyway?

True, it is easier said than done.

I try to prove this everyday.
And everyday I become better at it to some extent.

I stay up late.

I sacrifice so much sleep.

I try to cheer her up. 

I try to motivate her, to support her.

I am trying everyday to make her happy, with the simplest messages I can ever offer anyone.

I give away time, one of the important things in life.

I try to be an understanding and caring boyfriend, but most of all, a loving one.
But how? How to be a loving one?

Though distance separates us,
it’s not strong enough to keep me away from her.

But at the end of the day,
I always ask myself,
“Am I doing this right?”
Is it enough to make her happy?

I’m only normal. Nothing special, a little boring.
I have had a lot of mistakes long time ago, most of which I regret,
but some I am thankful for.
And most of the times, I seek happiness. All the more reason to live.

I overthink.
There is nothing in this world that’s powerful enough to destroy me
than my own thoughts.

I overthink that I would lose her one day when I wake up.
People fall out of love very fast these days, and I’m nothing so special.

I overthink that she might fall for another person one day.
After all, I am very replaceable.

I overthink that she no longer cares about me.
I feel this all the time.

But no.

This is may be the case but I still hear her voice inside my head all the time.
It’s like she talks to me:
“Disappointed in you , Josh” 
“Crois-moi , Josh, crois-moi”
“Stop taking too much coffee, boy!” 
“I will kill you boooooy, you’re so dead to me”
“My violinist!”
“Mahal kita, Joooosh.”

This girl.
She reassures me that she loves me.
All the time.

And these are the words that make me happy.
These are the words I could never live without. 
These are words I will never trade in life for anything. 
Even though I need constant reassurance, these are words worth living for.

I can be very unlovable at some times.
I don’t want to hurt anyone because of this.
I don’t want to make anyone sad.

I just want to be happy, really.
I would go from very happy to very boring really fast when I think about
Everything I’ve been through and everything I will ever be.

I’m a complete emotional wreck most of the times. 

But she still stays. Why? 

It’s like something I never understand.

I am boring.

What are the things I do that make you happy?
How do I make you laugh more? 
What’s so special about me worth staying for?
I ask myself these questions everyday.

But it’s all true:

Until I knew her, I had someone worth waiting for.

Until she came in my life, I’ve always looked forward for tomorrow.

Until she told me she loved me, I’ve never been so happy. 

I’ve never felt love, until I met her.        


So despite all this,
I’m trying to be perfect for her. Just for her.
I know I’m not perfect and she’s not mine to love
but I will still love her until my very last breath.